Dear Appy,
A new horse just moved into my barn. She’s ok, kind of keeps to herself. The problem is that the people put her in a stall directly across the aisle from me and she gets better grain than I do. I’m “on a diet” and already have a hard time choking down my tasteless meals now made all the more difficult to swallow because I can smell the new horse’s meals. They’re full of sweet molasses, my favorite condiment. Makes my mouth water just thinking about it. I protest by kicking the wall, but my owner isn’t listening. She keeps yelling at me to stop. Stop is exactly what I want – stop eating this garbage and give me some of what SHE’S eating. How can I explain my wishes to my person who clearly doesn’t understand my predicament?
Signed, Curvy

Dear Curvy,

Here’s the thing. You’re only hurting yourself by kicking the wall. Please don’t do that. Paw. Paw fast and furious and dig a trench to China right inside your door. The next time your human comes in the stall, she’ll trip and fall right in front of you. That will get her attention. Take that moment to flip your water buckets or take a big gulp of water and douse her. Douse her good. If that doesn’t work, refuse to eat anything but hay. Humans get really worried if we only eat hay. It’ll be win-win. She’ll cave and give you something more palatable to eat, and you might lose a few pounds in the process. Good luck.
Love, Appy